Monday, October 28, 2013

Today's Top 10.

Today’s Top 10

  1. It’s getting on that time of year where if you don’t put your scarf on before you put your earphones in, you’re going to be mad every few temperature changes.  There’s really no winning.

    1. If you put the scarf on first, the headphones come out to remove the scarf because it’s too warm in the subway station.

    1. If you put the scarf on second, your headphones become entangled in a web of trickery and deceit when you try to remove them to throw shade at the barista who didn’t understand the order you thought you clearly yelled.

    1. My therapist is still on vacation.

  1. The other day, I sat next to a gentleman on the Path Train reading a book untitled “G-String Dreams True Confessions”.

  1. People talk about my posture.

  1. Escaping New York, Manhattan, tall buildings, the sound of traffic and street squeals is easily done.  There is calm, and quiet, and the appreciation of a good smile just a few miles outside of this mess.  And yes, you should bring the dog.

  1. There is even cattiness in the supposed zen of a day at the spa. 

  1. I’ve been recreating some of the conversations that came up, if I was getting into trouble when I was a little kid…

·      Mom:  Who are you yelling at?
JJJr:        I’m not yelling.
Mom:  Oh, so you’re calling me a liar?


·      Mom:            Who are you yelling at?
JJJr:      Nobody.
Mom:  Oh, so I’m nobody?

  1. I make pretty good chicken soup.

  1. My friend George is a YouTube sensation.  There is actually justice in the world (wide web).

  1. I firmly believe that Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day are approximately 10 degrees warmer to all white people.
  2. At age 38, I can solidly say that my desire to grow up to be Judi Dench, a desire I unearthed as a teenager, still stands true.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Today's Top 10

  1. Does anyone have one of those new colored iPhones?  I’m sorry.  iPhones-of-color?

  1. On the way to our first date, walking from the Path train, along that dark end of Christopher Street, I befriended a drag-ish queen named Beyondre.  Can someone please remind me of that years from now?

  1. I hate the word “Beast”.  It is not a compliment on someone’s vocal prowess or talent or acting ability or dancing.  It really isn’t.  It is an insult. 

    1. But I guess if you don’t know any better...  Like speaks to dumb.

  1. Creativity doesn’t know if the lights are on or off.  We can still get creative in the light sometimes too.  Now, I know the original torch song was written from burning some old lover’s shit*, but there’s a whole ‘nother kind of art that comes outta pointing yourself toward happy every now and again.
    1. This is not happy…But the art created out of it, has made me very...
    2. ….it IS trash.

  1. Starting a clothing line has always been a dream of mine.  Secret – there is a sewing machine in my childhood room, on which I learned to sew at probably the age of 12.  My first creation was a pattern I purchased with my allowance money.  I believe it was a Butterick pattern.  I wonder where those MC Hammer pants I made ever got to.  They were the most amazing shade of green.

  1. I spent much of yesterday (and will spend most of today) recording backup vocals…for myself.  Sing with yourself.  It’s fun. 

  1. I am presently re-reading Gloria Naylor’s “Mama Day” (She wrote “Linden Hills”, for you intellectuals who like the similarities to Milton’s “Paradise Lost”.  She also wrote “The Women of Brewster Place”, for those of you who like Jackee).  There are several spells and voodoo concoctions mentioned throughout the story.  I’m practicing for Halloween.  

  1. Listening to new music.  Listening to a new friend.  Listening to the sound of a midmorning nap.  Listening to laughter.  The anticipation of getting to listen.  Of getting to share all of these things all over again each time I see you.  Running through my mind the last month or so.

  1. My therapist is on vacation until mid-November.  In Italy.  Please leave your phones on.

  1. My neighbor, who puts out, and her boyfriend, who puts it in, just bought a dog.  

Y'all...these notes I'm taking are just for me.  I get tickled if you actually read them, but I've gotta keep notes of all the voices in my head (as per the request of my attorney), so don't mind me.  Los Angeles and a lot of recent events have put some new things on the table that I can't wait to share with y'all.  If you are around next month, you should come celebrate with me at the party I'm throwing.... Here's some light info about it.  I'll talk to y'all later.  I'm gonna get back to this discussion we're having over here entitled "Cat Fur".


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Today's Top 10

I was a day late, y'all.  Look....I'm on LA time this week.  Better late than pregnant...

  1. “Cleavage & a Grey Beard” – possibly the title of my first album.

  1. I get to talk to him every day.  If asked how I liked those apples, I would just smile and simply walk away.

  1. Upon learning of the passing of someone so young, no matter how troubled their even younger time with you may have been, find a way to honor and acknowledge.  I chose.

  1. Bottoming your way to the top.

  1. I take myself and what I do so/too/very seriously.  There are some people in the wrong position who don’t/won’t/can’t.  I’ll miss them for other reasons though.

  1. They are a set of the most beautifully striking eyes that, when set upon, my shoulders can’t help but relax.

  1. Traumatic and heart-shaping things have happened to me for the last 3 years each time I’ve come to Los Angeles.  A heart-working (and sometime wrenching) event for each year.  That’s just math.

  1. I got to talk to a woman who was in the audience of my show this past weekend.  She saw me do my thing at the same theatre over a year ago, but we hadn’t had the chance to meet until after this most recent performance.  She asked me how my mother was doing.  And she said “Hey, between you and me, I  can tell…something’s got you feeling kinda happy” as she jokingly jabbed me in my side.  She is an older woman…clearly with impeccable taste.  I’m always surprised when people listen.

  1. “His penis looked like a replacement button on an Easter bunny.” ~ ?

  1. Words of advice given to a girlfriend of mine over brunch recently:  If his balls aren’t in your mouth, then put one in his court.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Today's Top 10

  1. If you keep talking about Miley Cyrus, it won’t go away.  Just like we did with Sinead O’Connor in the first place.  Shut up, everyone!

  1. I’ve been walking by well-dressed people as I faintly whisper “Killing it” for years now.  A woman in the east village walked by me yesterday and I heard her say it to me.

  1. The government is closed.  What are you doing?

  1. Doesn’t it seem mathematically impossible that the person in charge of “Glee” has also given us the brilliance of “American Horror Story”?

  1. When you were a child…and ate at places like Burger King... Did you ever take a few of your French fries and put them on your burger?  They now charge to do it for you.  There is a French fry burger.  Google it.

    1. Take a minute and read about Satis-fries too.

  1. Smile first.  Before you open your eyes.  Especially if you feel someone grab your hand.  It all depends on what song is playing at the time though.

  1. Grown folks standing in the corner of over priced bars, wearing second hand clothes, too much make up, and smelling like the faint scent of homelessness (re: Aged Hipsters) can still be a clique… if you let them.

    1. Have you ever walked into a room and caught people talking about you?  Children cover it up better than adults.

  1. I will be in Los Angeles tomorrow.

    1. And I think Nashville in the spring sounds lovely.

  1. Searching for a teammate still implies the playing of a game.  How about just having someone on your side?  Make sure you only do that for the right people.

  1. “Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over.” – Lil Kim

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Notes: Tales From The Table

Most of what I do here is a note-taking.  There are always 6 or 7 different stories brewing my balding head.  In order for me to include them in a coffee-table book or whatever, I have to write some of it here.

I have been working as a massage therapist for almost a year now.  The women and men that I meet in this environment are fascinating, and will make it into some story I tell some day.  I take notes on them.  This is one of those instances.

Tales From The Table:  Jasmine

A regular customer of mine (since March), came to see me yesterday.

She always divulges too much information.

In the elevator from the locker room to our massage room on her first visit, when I asked her if there were any areas she's like me to focus on, she replied "Well, my boyfriend proposed to me last night."

"Congratulations" I said.

She continued, "and I told him no.  I think I'm making a huge mistake."

I said "So, the first thing you did was come to the spa?  Great!!"

"No," she answered, "The first thing I did was call my shrink.  Then I came to the spa.  So, I guess you can work on whatever you want."

Too much information.

Yesterday when she came, nothing happened in the elevator.  I got her to the room.  Told her I would step out for a second to let her get undressed.  I let her know that when I return she should be face down and under the sheet.

When I returned, she was face up, naked, and on top of the sheet.  Seeing the shock on my face, she said "Well, I just had Botox a few hours ago and I don't think I should be lying face down."