Today's Top 10

I was a day late, y'all.  Look....I'm on LA time this week.  Better late than pregnant...

1. “Cleavage & a Grey Beard” – possibly the title of my first album.

2. I get to talk to him every day.  If asked how I liked those apples, I would just smile and simply walk away.

3. Upon learning of the passing of someone so young, no matter how troubled their even younger time with you may have been, find a way to honor and acknowledge.  I chose.

4. Bottoming your way to the top.

5. I take myself and what I do so/too/very seriously.  There are some people in the wrong position who don’t/won’t/can’t.  I’ll miss them for other reasons though.

6. They are a set of the most beautifully striking eyes that, when set upon, my shoulders can’t help but relax.

7. Traumatic and heart-shaping things have happened to me for the last 3 years each time I’ve come to Los Angeles.  A heart-working (and sometime wrenching) event for each year.  That’s just math.

8. I got to talk to a woman who was in the audience of my show this past weekend.  She saw me do my thing at the same theatre over a year ago, but we hadn’t had the chance to meet until after this most recent performance.  She asked me how my mother was doing.  And she said “Hey, between you and me, I  can tell…something’s got you feeling kinda happy” as she jokingly jabbed me in my side.  She is an older woman…clearly with impeccable taste.  I’m always surprised when people listen.

9. “His penis looked like a replacement button on an Easter bunny.” ~ ?

10. Words of advice given to a girlfriend of mine over brunch recently:  If his balls aren’t in your mouth, then put one in his court.

Today's Top 10

1. If you keep talking about Miley Cyrus, it won’t go away.  Just like we did with Sinead O’Connor in the first place.  Shut up, everyone!

2. I’ve been walking by well-dressed people as I faintly whisper “Killing it” for years now.  A woman in the east village walked by me yesterday and I heard her say it to me.

3. The government is closed.  What are you doing?

4. Doesn’t it seem mathematically impossible that the person in charge of “Glee” has also given us the brilliance of “American Horror Story”?

5. When you were a child…and ate at places like Burger King... Did you ever take a few of your French fries and put them on your burger?  They now charge to do it for you.  There is a French fry burger.  Google it.

1. Take a minute and read about Satis-fries too.

6. Smile first.  Before you open your eyes.  Especially if you feel someone grab your hand.  It all depends on what song is playing at the time though.

7. Grown folks standing in the corner of over priced bars, wearing second hand clothes, too much make up, and smelling like the faint scent of homelessness (re: Aged Hipsters) can still be a clique… if you let them.

1. Have you ever walked into a room and caught people talking about you?  Children cover it up better than adults.

8. I will be in Los Angeles tomorrow.

1. And I think Nashville in the spring sounds lovely.

9. Searching for a teammate still implies the playing of a game.  How about just having someone on your side?  Make sure you only do that for the right people.

10. “Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over.” – Lil Kim

Notes: Tales From The Table

Most of what I do here is a note-taking.  There are always 6 or 7 different stories brewing my balding head.  In order for me to include them in a coffee-table book or whatever, I have to write some of it here.

I have been working as a massage therapist for almost a year now.  The women and men that I meet in this environment are fascinating, and will make it into some story I tell some day.  I take notes on them.  This is one of those instances.

Tales From The Table:  Jasmine

A regular customer of mine (since March), came to see me yesterday.

She always divulges too much information.

In the elevator from the locker room to our massage room on her first visit, when I asked her if there were any areas she's like me to focus on, she replied "Well, my boyfriend proposed to me last night."

"Congratulations" I said.

She continued, "and I told him no.  I think I'm making a huge mistake."

I said "So, the first thing you did was come to the spa?  Great!!"

"No," she answered, "The first thing I did was call my shrink.  Then I came to the spa.  So, I guess you can work on whatever you want."

Too much information.

Yesterday when she came, nothing happened in the elevator.  I got her to the room.  Told her I would step out for a second to let her get undressed.  I let her know that when I return she should be face down and under the sheet.

When I returned, she was face up, naked, and on top of the sheet.  Seeing the shock on my face, she said "Well, I just had Botox a few hours ago and I don't think I should be lying face down."

Today's Top 10

1. I’ve been talking to strangers recently.  Coffee shops.  The bank.  Laundromat.  And not in any weird way.  “How’s that book?”  “Great jacket.”  Small talk.  It’s no more than 3 minutes.  Smiling can be wonderful.

2. A mutual friend and I share a former friend of mine.  She confessed to me that she often fears the day she too will be let go.  I told her to call me when she stops worrying about that.

3. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night.  4:AM recently.  Tea tastes so much better at this hour.  And it’s amazing what can come out of a keyboard with a good set of headphones.

4. I don’t miss the way you used to throw yourself at men.  You scared off half the white boys I know.

5. He has a dog.

6. At least 3 times a year, I try to reinvent my recipe for collard greens.

7. I’ve never once denied who I am.  And I don't mean that in any sort of anthem-type, poetic stance.  I can truthfully say that I have never in my life denied any portion of myself.  If you came expecting something else, that’s actually not my problem. 

8. I miss the relevance of MC Hammer.  “Turn This Mutha Out” is still my jam.

1. Recently, I’ve been lyrically studying the genius of MC Lyte… the original.

9. And all we have seems to be RuPaul.  Putting on the heels, and the lashes, and the gowns, and the wigs may be all right for some.  It’s the clown, the Mandingo, or the thug I guess.  What about those who like to secretly translate German lieder just for fun?

10. There are characters that live in my neighborhood with names like Orange, Housedress, and Nosy Pam (R.I.P.).  They are the reasons I sing with the windows open.