I hear that I'm difficult. Sometimes.
No, not difficult, per se. A bitch? Maybe.
I often hear, and sometimes from those I've actually opened my heart to (Yes, I do have one), that I can be a bitch, or... difficult. I've even heard that some think I would judge them.
If I were one to actually care, at the core of myself, what others thought of me, then some of this entry could come from recently being called "too little" by one, "too much" by another, or "unfocused" by two others. Were I to actually value the opinion of these precious few, some of what I'm writing, thinking, or processing would be accredited to them. Rest assured, my loves, it is not.
I want to remind each of you about the love that I have in my heart. What little hair I do have, I do often (and probably too much) try to pull out due to my own worries for you. I pray (this is a huge shock to some of the aforementioned) that your new job works out, that your new (or old) love continues to grow and respects you. I want to go to your wedding. I am listening, and I do truly want you to be happy.
Sometimes I dwell, not only on my own ...well...."unimportant, self-diagnosed tortures", but mostly I am, and this may seem surprising, thinking about each of you and how you each got to "that happy, cozy spot in the middle", praying, all along, that you'll stay there, wishing that some of it may rub off on me. Mostly, I'm only a product of the family I've chosen to have.
Surprise always greets me when I discover that someone reads any of what I write. Shock is always there tapping me on the shoulder when anyone actually arrives at one of my shows. Utter bewilderment smacks me about the neck and head when I get an email or note from someone I've never met who enjoyed that "thing that I do". I'm not going to blame my self-doubt on that stupid word that some people in this town use.... the "business". I'm constantly discovering what it is that I think is "enough". Learning the things that you want in life must be a joy. It can only be that. If you turn that laundry list of necessities into things that you don't have, or a list of reasons why you are not secure, happy, and grounded....You're in for a long existence of red wine, Nina Simone songs, and over-compensation. For once, due mostly to the things I've learned in the last year, I'm finding much more solace in that list.
Now it's back to writing this song.