Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Today's Top 10

  1. I had a conversation with myself when I was 8 years old.  One or two weeks into the 3rd grade, I was informed that I didn’t fit in.  You see, 3rd grade Southern New England boys at recess are almost the same as those encountered on a stroll down either certain portions of 125th Street, or a holding room at a Motown open call.  I told myself, “Self, we are going to escape for hours into my Mr. Blackstone’s Magic Kit.  And then they’ll like me.”  Spells, potions, and junior prestidigitation were going to get me out of that 3rd grade shame and loneliness.  To anyone who’s never really fit in:  To someone else …you laugh too loud, you’ve got the wrong hair, you walk too proud, or your jeans are too tight – What was your magic trick?

    1. Sometimes, under my breath, if you listen really hard, to this day, you’ll hear me whispering “abracadabra”.

  1. Try to use the phrase “far be it from me…” in conversation with people this week.  It’s hard.  Keep score.

  1. You do not have 3 days to do anything.  You do not need to riff into your web-cam.  You do not need to pour a bucket of ice water on your head.  100 days is not how happy you have to be.  You do not have to be challenged by a friend.  You do not have to challenge a friend.  What happens next is never heartbreaking.  The judges may have been shocked, but I never really am.  These are some of the things I’ve learned from adding the word “media” to something else called “social”.

  1. “There’s only one good life.  And that’s the life you know you want and you make it for yourself.” – Diana Vreeland

  1. I sat in a tiny dressing room with several people recently who had replaced the words “Hello” and “How are you?” with “My book deal…”, “You’re getting so much press…”, and “Is the champagne free?”  And it wasn’t even difficult for me to go out on stage and simply do my job.

  1. When “Black” is your only joke, I grow tired of your “ish”.

  1. The Bros at the security desk never stop me to check my bag unless I’m leaving The W Hotel with one of my female co-workers.  They let me come and go without saying a word to me as I weave my way through to get to my spa.  If I leave with one of “my girls”, we are instantly stopped and bags are checked, while there’s a simple knowing look shared between me and the young Bros in their Macy’s 1-day sale suits.  The way to steal things is just to be gay?  Or a little slight?  Here’s to being less than.

  1. Pussy jokes, fart jokes, & blow-job jokes in your best black woman accent have really been on the rise.  Found a niche, if you will.  There will always be 20-something gay men to praise these efforts.  Kudos. 

  1. I’m taking hold of my everything in a way that I never have.  I wish the same on absolutely everyone.

  1. Some people have called me shady.  I’m not, but you never know when The Lord is going to call you.
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